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So life goes on . . . Then gets complicated . . . | worknplayhard13's Blog


 You know, it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I wasn't supposed to find a special someone.  I was supposed to be alone, and you were supposed to be happy with someone.  You were supposed to have everything and enjoying your time with them.  I was supposed to be alone.  You were supposed to come to me with questions and problems.  I was supposed to be alone.  So now, you are alone and you pretend to be happy, I know better.  You may start being content, even feel content.  And I am happy, feeling good, wanting to let the "more" happen.  It wasn't supposed to be like this, and it bothers me.  I won't let it stop me, but that doesn't mean it won't make me feel . . . I don't know, maybe this is guilt.  I don't feel sorry for you, I don't pity you, this was supposed to be your time, not mine. 

 

I see a lot of her in you, and you in her.  Of course I over think that and wonder at times if this is a mistake because of it.  I think at times she thinks I am "safe" like you thought and therefore this will just be a phase until she can move on to that bigger and better thing.  I know things are changing with me, you know how I know??  I have that same feeling I did with you . . . she deserves better than what I can give her.  I will never be good enough for her, she will always want better than me, like you.  It isn't a pity thing, it isn't even a downer, its . . . how do you say it, "it is what it is."  Then three things came together

 

1)  My BEST FRIEND told me, "sure, there are lots of fish in the sea, but she chose you."  That changed me to want to be accepting and make her see she made the best choice she ever made in her entire life.  Me putting my all into something like I always do.  Me putting my all into showing her that through everything she has been through, I could make her feel good about who she is.  I can make her see that there is so much love and hope in her that maybe, just maybe, she would do the same for me.  So that is my quandary . . .

 

2)  I asked her why she chose me.  She said, she didn't . . . not really.  She said, "It just was."  I am very accepting of things like this, the no real reason, I don't know why, but it makes me smile to think, maybe I have some luck . . . lol

 

3)  I was talking to friend.  I told her, "I don't love her, but I am open to it."   "Really, how do you know?"  "Oh, I know, I know what it was like.  I have felt it beyond what I have ever thought possible."  "As messed up as your relationship was. . . as disfunctional as your love was and lack there of, how would you know?"  "Well, because . . . Hmpff, I don't know."

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Previous Posts
How we are different . . ., posted November 9th, 2012
So life goes on . . . Then gets complicated . . ., posted November 5th, 2012
It wasn't supposed to happen like this . . ., posted November 5th, 2012
You hate me because I gave you hope . . ., posted November 1st, 2012
You need it one more time, take it how you want to, posted October 26th, 2012
There is always balance in life, there is always evil where there is good, posted October 25th, 2012
Cutting, pain, even when Life gets good, my soul demands it of my body . . ., posted October 18th, 2012
The end of Chapter - 15 years with her., posted October 3rd, 2012, 2 comments
Nearing the end of this chapter . . ., posted October 1st, 2012
Always worth it . . ., posted September 30th, 2012
Why is this messing with my head so much??!!, posted September 30th, 2012
Fear no more . . ., posted September 28th, 2012
The long night . . ., posted September 28th, 2012
I am getting further and further away, posted September 26th, 2012, 1 comment
Why did she have to, posted September 26th, 2012
I refuse to live with hate over powering me . . ., posted September 25th, 2012
What to do when you are the cause . . ., posted September 23rd, 2012
It is what it is . . ., posted September 18th, 2012
I don't know how or why anymore, but I know who I am . . ., posted September 18th, 2012

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