So life goes on . . . Then gets complicated . . . | worknplayhard13's Blog

 You know, it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I wasn't supposed to find a special someone.  I was supposed to be alone, and you were supposed to be happy with someone.  You were supposed to have everything and enjoying your time with them.  I was supposed to be alone.  You were supposed to come to me with questions and problems.  I was supposed to be alone.  So now, you are alone and you pretend to be happy, I know better.  You may start being content, even feel content.  And I am happy, feeling good, wanting to let the "more" happen.  It wasn't supposed to be like this, and it bothers me.  I won't let it stop me, but that doesn't mean it won't make me feel . . . I don't know, maybe this is guilt.  I don't feel sorry for you, I don't pity you, this was supposed to be your time, not mine. 

 

I see a lot of her in you, and you in her.  Of course I over think that and wonder at times if this is a mistake because of it.  I think at times she thinks I am "safe" like you thought and therefore this will just be a phase until she can move on to that bigger and better thing.  I know things are changing with me, you know how I know??  I have that same feeling I did with you . . . she deserves better than what I can give her.  I will never be good enough for her, she will always want better than me, like you.  It isn't a pity thing, it isn't even a downer, its . . . how do you say it, "it is what it is."  Then three things came together

 

1)  My BEST FRIEND told me, "sure, there are lots of fish in the sea, but she chose you."  That changed me to want to be accepting and make her see she made the best choice she ever made in her entire life.  Me putting my all into something like I always do.  Me putting my all into showing her that through everything she has been through, I could make her feel good about who she is.  I can make her see that there is so much love and hope in her that maybe, just maybe, she would do the same for me.  So that is my quandary . . .

 

2)  I asked her why she chose me.  She said, she didn't . . . not really.  She said, "It just was."  I am very accepting of things like this, the no real reason, I don't know why, but it makes me smile to think, maybe I have some luck . . . lol

 

3)  I was talking to friend.  I told her, "I don't love her, but I am open to it."   "Really, how do you know?"  "Oh, I know, I know what it was like.  I have felt it beyond what I have ever thought possible."  "As messed up as your relationship was. . . as disfunctional as your love was and lack there of, how would you know?"  "Well, because . . . Hmpff, I don't know."