With so many people that I have met here on EP, and so many people that I have met in the world, I realize that I am not alone. I absorb the pain of others. Some say that I am a masochist. Others say I am an emotional masochist. I don't know that I am either, but I do know that there is too much pain in the world. That is why I am here. I am here to take that pain from this world and make it my own. Once inside my body, it is an internal struggle. I have the need for atonement, to punish that pain, punish myself. I take the pain to try and beautify the world.
Meeting people, I have realized there are others that serve a far greater purpose. They grace this world with their beauty. The greatest thing . . . they don't know they are beautiful. If they did, they may never share it with all of us. They take the time out of their day to smile at a stranger. They take care of their kids, of their house, their friends, and the world just be being themselves. You can see them walking down the street, just to walk. They put out beauty like it's sweat. They don't know any different so it just flows out of them into the world for all to see.
People like me can't fill this world with beauty. Although we may do deeds that resemble beauty, destruction follows us for the simple fact, it has no where else to go, and we are accepting of it. That's right, someone has to be accepting of that destruction and that pain that comes with it! We keep it from falling on those who are beautiful, those who make this world better with their smiles, their looks, their eyes.
I can only take that pain and destruction into my body, soul, and my heart. Those of us who can do this, have a heart that know no bounds. Our hearts know no limits. Our hearts weep . . . for those who are beautiful because they don't even know they are so beautiful. They don't know, they give us the faith to keep going.
If you are beautiful, be beautiful to a pain taker. We may not look it, we may not act like it, but we are human too. Pain is all I can do for this world, it is what I can take. I put in all on my back, because I can. My heart is that big, and my back can handle the scars. They are only scars.
You know, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to find a special someone. I was supposed to be alone, and you were supposed to be happy with someone. You were supposed to have everything and enjoying your time with them. I was supposed to be alone. You were supposed to come to me with questions and problems. I was supposed to be alone. So now, you are alone and you pretend to be happy, I know better. You may start being content, even feel content. And I am happy, feeling good, wanting to let the "more" happen. It wasn't supposed to be like this, and it bothers me. I won't let it stop me, but that doesn't mean it won't make me feel . . . I don't know, maybe this is guilt. I don't feel sorry for you, I don't pity you, this was supposed to be your time, not mine.
I see a lot of her in you, and you in her. Of course I over think that and wonder at times if this is a mistake because of it. I think at times she thinks I am "safe" like you thought and therefore this will just be a phase until she can move on to that bigger and better thing. I know things are changing with me, you know how I know?? I have that same feeling I did with you . . . she deserves better than what I can give her. I will never be good enough for her, she will always want better than me, like you. It isn't a pity thing, it isn't even a downer, its . . . how do you say it, "it is what it is." Then three things came together
1) My BEST FRIEND told me, "sure, there are lots of fish in the sea, but she chose you." That changed me to want to be accepting and make her see she made the best choice she ever made in her entire life. Me putting my all into something like I always do. Me putting my all into showing her that through everything she has been through, I could make her feel good about who she is. I can make her see that there is so much love and hope in her that maybe, just maybe, she would do the same for me. So that is my quandary . . .
2) I asked her why she chose me. She said, she didn't . . . not really. She said, "It just was." I am very accepting of things like this, the no real reason, I don't know why, but it makes me smile to think, maybe I have some luck . . . lol
3) I was talking to friend. I told her, "I don't love her, but I am open to it." "Really, how do you know?" "Oh, I know, I know what it was like. I have felt it beyond what I have ever thought possible." "As messed up as your relationship was. . . as disfunctional as your love was and lack there of, how would you know?" "Well, because . . . Hmpff, I don't know."
It wasn't supposed to happen like this . . .
You left me long before him
you gave up on me with no warning
we both knew it would be like this
there was no not knowing
there was just pain for one of us
you asked me to be there
it wasn't in me to show up
i asked too much of you
you thought it wasnt enough
we got squared away
and you were in happiness
i was hurting all over
you were smiling everywhere
i was sick and couldn't move
you were in love
i was heart broken
you were hurting me
i decided i didn't care anymore
you thought it was too much
i thought it wasnt enough
you started to spiral
i started to talk and walk
it started to crash for you
it started in a walk for me
you wanted you needed
i was done, didnt want it
you had it, it was there
i just needed a friend
you were losing faith in all
i was starting to gain faith
he was in control of you
i was in control of me
you gave your all so fast
i gave her nothing, or something
you were in pain, you hurt
i was smiling, she was smiling
you lost all you gave
i gained acceptance
you gained hate
she gave me a smile
you want to hate me
now, i come to you for help
and you are becoming a pillar
i am the one who is lost
you are the one who is found
i run to you
you send me to her
she makes me smile
you laugh at me
you were supposed to be happy
i was supposed to be atoning
it wasn't supposed to be like this
So once you are in a light, you see so much better. Everything is illuminated in your heart. It doesn't take much at time, just a look, just a touch, just a way of thinking, which creates a thought in your mind, and creates a place in your heart and soul. This place in your heart and soul runs deep and some let it out, where others keep it hidden, deep. The do their best to build walls and limit any way into that secret place. They do their best to make it dark as possible, to limit the light that may come forth to shine and show them HOPE. When Hope is let loose, love pours out. Hope is a dangerous thing if you don't know how to handle it. People use hope in place of courage. You shouldn't. Courage is just that, courage. When you use Hope in place of courage, you set yourself up for failure. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had while courage is the quality of mind and spirit that enables a person to face that which will be difficult. When you use Hope in place of courage to face fears, to love, you place what is wanted over that which should enable you to face all that which would hold you back. Hope is not true courage, it just creates a want that moves you and makes you act in a way that is irrational. There is no courage in that.
To have courage, you need to understand what Hope is, what it will do to you, for you, and because of you. Hope will overwhelm you if you have not dealt with it. It will fill in every little dark hole, every fear, every emotion with a want, not courage. Once that want is there, you act accordingly. Hope is a wondrous thing that may be held, it may be seized and taken advantage of in effecting a purpose onto that which you seek, crave, and want. Hope will take and support you from one place to another while you make your way through your passage from one stage to another.
Enter courage. Courage is that which enables us to face that which fills us with fear. It enables us to face insecurities, face rejection, face all that in which we are unwilling to on a day to day basis. Courage allows you to put one foot in front of the other. Courage allows you to getup in the morning when all you want to do is stay in bed. Courage is what makes your hand move, your eyes open when they hurt from crying. Courage allows you to hear your heart beat, even when you don't want to anymore.
Courage is needed to see the Hope inside of you. Courage is needed when Hope is taken from you. Courage is needed when Hope is shown to you . . . once again.
Hope is seeking more when others think you have had enough. Hope is simmering under sorrow. Hope helps us see when our eyes fill with tears. Hope is a beautiful thing . . . a beautiful thing that never dies. You can't kill hope, you can hide it, and bury it, but like anything else you are afraid of, it will fester. Don't let hope be an enemy. Don't make hope a negative feeling. Learn to accept it.
Well, if you are actually reading this, maybe I can reach a part of you. I know we are different, so anything I would have said yesterday would have been completely useless. I process differently than you, a little birdy told me that. I think you have you and I clumped together wrongly.
Here is the main difference between you and I and our situations, I gave you up, I didn't give up on you. It is splitting hairs, but a big difference. One that I am not sure you could ever make, or want to make. Over the last couple of years I was prepared to give you up. Like now, I have done the best I could do to give you up. I think I have done pretty good. I know it's something that has to be done. As far as giving up on you, I just can't. I know what you say, I know what you do, I know, some what, who you are, and even though you act as tough and mean as possible, it is always calculated. There is a big reason that I still have faith in you, that I believe in you. You have a choice. Bare with me, I will explain.
With everything you do, you make a choice. You OVER analyze everything. You make a list of pros and cons. You weigh what options you can think of, then you make your choice. You do choose. People who are beyond the point of giving up don't really make that choice. They just do because they don't know any other way. Similar to you, but not quite. You have a thought process about what you do. If that process could shown that other choices are there and a viable option, then . . . who knows. I believe people who make a choice to hurt family, to hurt friends, to hurt themselves, are not beyond love, understanding, and true faith. They need the ASSHOLE who shows up uninvited. They need their best friend to tell them, "everything is going to be okay."
Do you know why I can say that to you so easily?? NO, NOT BECAUSE I AM STUPID!! Because you want it to be okay, because you are trying, I believe it can be okay. You are in charge of all of this. You wanted total control, here you go. You have the choice to bail, hold, or stay all in. You said last night, you are still all in. That is the choice you make. That is why I say you are so strong. Once you get something in your head, it never changes. I wish you would have thought of me as something that could have been more than who I was, but I don't think you ever would have. You think it was your flutter of the eyes that, the head tilt, that kept me coming back - for the sex yes GOOD SEX - but that isn't it at all. You know what it was, and I will never tell you if you don't know. It's something that I have to myself that I won't let you take away from me - I won't let you have the choice. You think to little of how I think about you, what it is that I get from you. It isn't always physical.
You need me to be who I am. You need me . . . that is why you hate my existence. Everyone needs someone. They need that someone who is there to tear them down and build them up, be honest, lie, be everything they need. You won't let me be anymore than what I am because you think it will make me go away or something. Everyone you have ever put it all in on, has disappeared. Yet, I am still here. It is how I see it. I won't disappear on you. If you choose to leave, disappear, it would be a very weird emotional day for me. I would like to say it would make me very sad, upset, maybe mad. But I would understand. I would miss you, I would miss you everyday. But . . . I would hope that you would be happy, and forgetful. I would hope that if you ever left, you would be happy enough to forget me. Then, you wouldn't have a need for me. And of course, I would venture outside, look at the stars and hope that just one night, you were doing the same, with a smile as I would.
Sometimes we need to give up. Sometimes is would be what is best. But there is always something down deep, that says no. Why?? There is that small glimmer of hope. You said that it magically would get fixed between you and I. Magic has nothing to do with it. I just believe either way, I could be a better person, or you could make a better choice. You forget, I think that one word, one step, one change of circumstance can save a person without anyone knowing. That is hope. We could never magically be fixed hun. You would have to choose to fix it, change it, or what ever it needed . . . and I don't think you ever will, or ever would have. I don't know what it is about me that you won't do that with. I like to tell myself it's because you are protecting me and yourself. That would be my egomaniac self getting in there lol, but I am sure it is more about protecting yourself.
That is why I don't believe there is ONLY one diamond out there in the sky. You choose who that diamond is, it doesn't choose you. Sometimes you choose wisely, sometimes, not so much. After that, it is just a question of whether or not you are willing to make that choice again. I am not sure you are making that choice right now . . . I have made that choice, twice. Except for getting the kids, I wouldn't take the first choice again, ever. I would happily take the second choice, even starting from the beginning, again, and again, and again. That is my choice.
I choose to not give up on you. You mean more to me than anyone else on this planet - exception being the kids and my brother (but you are on level with my brother). We have talked and talked about all we are, how selfish we are to one another. You talk about how badly you have treated me. The things you have done, how you have fucked me over, yet, I am still here. Now, get me down from your fucking petal stool, and let's see . . . I have hurt you, put you in the background, told you I would never love you like that, asked you to raise my kids while not letting you, I have asked you to comeback every time you NEEDED to leave only for myself, knowing you are so codependent, I forgot to remind you how much I love you, I took you for granted, I gave you up with out a fight . . . and yet, you are still here.
Why?? Wouldn't your life be much simpler if I wasn't around?? Wouldn't your life have more meaning if I wasn't around? I hope you see some good from me as much as I see from you. Not your choices, but the choices you don't make. You brush them off like there isn't even a choice to be made. But you are wrong, there is a choice, and you made it by keeping me around. You also helped me make the choice, to realize I need to keep you around too. Hate my existence, I think I am pretty close to the same with you lol, but I would never give up.
Love is a peculiar thing. There is an almost ludicrous asymmetry between two people. The person at the top of your best friend list may rank you only at the middle of his or her list. However, if you truly, truly loved someone, then you'd be able to realize that it's OK if they don't love you back. True love gives and expects nothing in return; a true unrequited love. You gave me the strength to realize that I can move on day by day. You gave me the courage to try something different, not to be that person I though I would be. You gave me the wisdom and sense for me to also respect myself. So, if I truly loved you, it doesn't matter if you feel the same way, I have the opportunity to be a better person, because of YOU. When you love someone you must know when it is time to let go. As hard as this may sound, strength, courage and knowledge is gathered from a broken heart. No one promised that love would last forever, nor that it wouldn't, it's just a chance. Life is a chance. Love yourself, feel for yourself, but not only for you, but for that person as well. Never let bad feelings or experience change the person you are. No one wants a wounded bird. I am working on it.
There are times when I fell very weak and felt the need to talk to you even though you may just hurt me again. When you are like this, you don't know why you want to talk to them, you just do. I was able to get by these weak moments by writing down exactly what I was feeling at the time, it comes out in a jumble of feelings and thoughts, some not so pleasant, but in the end it actually helped to have that little red book. Eventually, I got over it. Now, I don't worry about how, when, or even if you are going to hurt me. I just am.
You are too stubborn to know when to quit. You are too afraid to quit. However it is that makes you tick, that makes you keep going, it is something that you will use to further your goal. So let's look at stubborn . . . can be useful at times, most people do not like this characteristic, but I like someone who will stick to their guns. Fear . . . if you use fear to keep you from quitting, it will be feed more and more until it over whelms you . . . and then you fight, not the fear, but what you perceive is the source of your fear - what you don't want to give up on. It is the cause of your fear, your anguish, so if you can make that go away, then it isn't you that has given up, they gave up on you. There is one flaw in your fears and how they control you, one very large flaw . . . I came into your life. I am not willing to let your fears ruin you or scare me away. Your fears are in you, not in me. I can fight them a lot easier going from the outside in where I have all directions available to me. I couldn't imagine trying to fight from the inside out, it would seem a daunting task.
I gave you my word to always be there, hold, protect, be loyal to you for all I am worth for the rest of my life. I love you, hate you, resent you, baby you, compliment you, all because . . . we are friends to the end. I hope you will remember that I am a little extraordinary when it comes to you. You can ask all the questions you want of me, I will answer them as best as I can. You can hit me if it would help, I would just stand there. You can call me names, I would probably laugh. You can also cry on my shoulders . . . I will wipe away the tears. You can ask me to hold you, and I will put my arm around you. You can ask me to not go, and I will stay. Welcome to being my friend. More so than ever before, because you need it.
And things will be okay. You know that in the end, no matter what you do, you will never be alone.
First let me say, I have hinted at this, you brushed it off. You NEED TO LISTEN. You need to read with an open mind, not that closed mind where I am your perfect ideal. I do what I can, but there is always a chance of harm. I have seen it first hand. I have seen the destruction I can do. I have destroyed the greatest love om my life time. She would never admit to it, it would mean too many things if she did. She believes I do good, but she doesn't know. Inside joke there. Look, I am like a monster out of place in a big city. I try to not hurt people, I try to even help them, but every where I go, I leave a trail of destruction. Regardless of my intent, it doesn't change the fact that it happens. Understand, you will crumble as a result of loving me. It's why no one has ever truly been in love with me.
Read and listen well . . .
I told My best friend a long time ago, DON'T TRUST ME!! I can't even trust myself. I am the worst kind of evil. The kind you trust. The kind you put faith in. A Fallen Angel has nothing on me, and I can't change it. I just want "it" to be true, one time. I want to see, just once when unconditional love meets unconditional love. From the beginning. No changes in the persons, they are who they are and both are accepting. They don't lie to one another. They are true to themselves. No matter the hurt, no matter the harm, no matter how hot the fire gets, they love unconditionally. I know it's possible, I have done it. I loved unconditionally. You say you have too. I don't know that for sure, I didn't see it. So what happens if it is true then? Will it happen?? Can our unconditional love meet each other??
You said that you don't understand why I want her to be happy so bad. I'll tell you why, because I kidnapped her from the world. I kept her heart from the world because I was selfish. I did everything to keep her to myself. I wanted her to be mine and only mine. I knew when I let her put her heart out there, she would leave me in an INSTANT!! And she did. But it doesn't justify the fact I held her back. I forced her heart into slavery. It wasn't until I released her heart that I realized I truly did love her unconditionally.
You talk about waiting for me forever if you had to. Are you sure you can handle it?? Are you sure that you can put up with the times I trivialize your love. The times I unknowingly give you false hope and then snatch it away. Can you handle me loving you, then not so much, then again. Being loyal is easy, you seem to think that is all you need. You are wrong, you will need something that I cannot give you right now, and you will wait until you cannot wait anymore, then I say, 'I am ready.' Opportunity missed, or are you still there? People flock to me because they do not know any better. Take my warning and run. This isn't some made up bullshit. I am living it right now. No one ever wins with me. Even when I give them up, least of all me. You are a wonderful person, you are beautiful, smart, but so naive.
This is a push, not a test. I don't need to test you. I only push because you need to know the truth about me. If you were to ever love me unconditionally, this is what you get with the good. With everything that you dream about me. Everything that you want with me. Everything that you think I am and more. You don't need to reply. You can just walk away. I would understand. I would possibly feel better knowing that you had a chance at what you need and want. I will go on through life, hoping. Take some advice from the man you have taken so much advice from. You say you would listen to me about anything, well listen HARD this time.
'"Love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. Be careful with what you chose."
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So here it is. My switch flipped. You know, I am a different sort. I believe there is so much good in the world if we just ease up. Good comes naturally. To be bad, we have to really try. So the love of my life, my wife left me for someone else. She told me she NEVER loved me. I always believed she did because she said she CANT, it wasn't in her, she was broken. Then, I realized, it isn't she can't, she won't. She won't love me. I figured this out because of three things.
The first time was a time where I will never understand why she had to do what she did. She yelled at us, my family and I. She wanted us to know, she did it for herself, for her happiness (cheat on me). She looked at me and said how unhappy she was in our house. She blamed me. She hated me. She gave me an evil stare that she never had. She said, "I am sorry I ruined everyone's happy little home life." Then my daughter said something that I will not repeat here. The kids repeated their own sentiments. Then she realized for a brief second, she was toxic to our home. But she didn't care. She only cared about him. She put his feelings over me, over our kids, over anyone.
The second time was about 3 weeks ago when she thought it was over for her and the guy she left me for. She cried, not a little, but like someone had died. Actually, it was worse than that. I had never seen her in such anguish. She was in so much pain. She would not have ever cried like that for me, not even close. I honestly could say, if I died right now, she would not cry like that for me. She still cares for me a great deal, but she wouldn't cry for me like that.
Then the third and final time. He called her while we were talking about all these issues she had. She was in a very foul mood. She told me she hated me. Why, because I gave her hope. She went off on me, wanted me to leave her, forever. She wanted me out of her life. Didn't I get it, she was no good for me, she had been playing me like a yoyo this whole time. Then, he called her. She was trying to be rude, curt, indifferent to him on the phone. But just the sound of his voice, made her smile. Made her smile so amazing, she was beautiful. She was in love. I never knew that smile . . . in 15 years of being with her, I never once saw that smile (a tear rolls down my cheek right now). I knew it at that moment. I would . . . make the change. After they got off the phone, she cried. I held her. Then her attitude changed. She wanted to talk about me. So we talked a little.
She loves him more than she ever thought about loving me. How could I deal with that?? I do, and I continue to help her because it is the right thing to do. I whipped myself so bad that night, I broke skin. I am glad I did, because today, she needed my help more than ever. I had to try and convince her it is all worth it, and she is strong enough to go through with this. YUP, I had to convince the love of my life, the woman that I loved more than anyone else in this world that . . . she should FIGHT for the man she cheated on me with. She should learn to take the hope I have given her and show it to him. Make him believe this is possible. Give him hope, show him hope, so that they can be together.
She asked me in the end, "why are you pushing this so bad . . . " I don't even remember what I said. Right now, I am not sure . . . other than, it is who I am. I cannot hate. I wish I could, but I refuse to. No matter how much I may want to, I just don't So now I help her. And it kills me. I cannot tell her that, she would be pissed at me. But it is what it is, and I cannot do anything other than be honorable with her.
I have given up thinking that there is anything left between us. She is in love with another. A love I will never know. I am envy him. I wanted that, for 15 years. I hope he knows how lucky he really is. He should never take for granted a woman's love.
So end this chapter. Time for me to start new. I hope . . . nope, it will be a whole new chapter about me being true to myself. I laugh, because no one really knows me, except me. I have kept myself hidden. Time to come out.
So I don't have much else to say to you. Things are going to happen they way they are. I feel good about myself and have admitted some truth to you. So let me finish with this . . .
I was not a perfect husband. But I hope that you have some appreciation . . . no, not appreciation . . . some empathy for my feelings for you. They were never a lie, never a down time when I remembered why. I hope you are able to have some fulfillment in knowing that I loved you, wanted you, and did really try my best to treat you right. I hope you have some gratification knowing you were my all, my everything, all I could have ever wanted. It still makes me smile to think of you in that aspect. I knew things would change. I can't force you to be the friend I need. You are who you are. Like so many other things though, I will take what I can get from you as my friend. You always were enough, and you will continue to be enough for as long as you will let yourself. Once again, you are in control.
Don't read to much into what I say in the beginning. I think we talked about it last night. It is why I take time to think before I talk. I feel better, remembering you are enough. I wish I would have remembered last night. I might have been able to sleep. I feel a calm acceptance and joy knowing that you will always be there. Want to here something stupid . . . something a big ol' fuzzy teddy bear would do? I imagine that when I do need you, if you are unavailable (understandable), I could take the ring you get me, and put it on (not ring finger), and feel that it is you when I need a hug the most. See, I am smiling, it is such a comfort to me, I think of it as soul mate, best friend love wrapped in a little ring. It would be cool.
I have a different book now. It is my book. It isn't a book with an exit strategy, it's a book to carry me on to the next life. I will write and write, it seems to feed my courage and give me strength. I actually look forward to the day you ask me, "can I read that." And I say, it is a long read. You being you, "good, I like a long good story."
Do you know the pain of not being remembered?? How about the fear?? As silly as it may be to you, I wait for the day I come knocking on your door, and worse than when you wont let me in, is the day you don't know who I am. I don't think I ever told you this story. When I moved to Oregon and came back to get Spencer from Peggi, she lived with Marsha at the time. I knocked on the front door, and Marsha answered. She said, "can I help you?" I thought she was just being mean. I said, "ya, is Peggi here?" Marsh turned around and yelled for Peggi saying, " there is some guy here for you." Peggi, who was in the kitchen asked, "who is it?" Marsha said, "I don't know, but he is cute. Let me know when you are done with him!" and she laughed as she walked into her room. Peggi came around the corner, gave me a weird look, and went to Marsha's room and told her that it was me. Marsha laughed it off, and just said, "really??" It was then that I knew she never really loved me. I keep telling you that you will forget me, that is why I think you will. You tell me you never loved me. When I talked to you the first time you wanted to leave and I said, "you are in love with me, you just don't know it." I had to believe it . . . I couldn't let you forget me.
Don't get mad, my fear has nothing to do with you really, it has everything to do with me. It's why at some point, I think I will not matter to you. You talk about how fears are irrational, but our minds make them real. They make them bigger and more real with everything that we can feed it with. We can stop feeding the fear, but we don't. We stuff it with everything that fails us, confounds us, and bewilders us. Instead of being strong, being available, we run away and hide that fear. I don't want to. I trust you, I have faith in you, I believe in you. Someday, before you forget me, I hope you feel the same. It only takes one moment, one moment no matter how small, how insignificant a feeling, of knowing that you were loved and thought of as some one's world. That moment when you know someone loves you more than anything else. No matter how small, it is euphoric. You asked was it all worth it . . . for you, it will be worth it and more. You are lucky enough to finally know what it is to be in love. And even more admirable he will return it to you. I envy you. When that first moment happens, even if it was the only one, you will think it was all worth it.
I have my beliefs, and I can still search the years and lie to myself there was a time when you were in love with me, no matter how small a time; for one week, one day, one hour, one minute, I would even take one second. Being the ever optimist, I keep searching all the good times, all the good feelings. I think about when you used to look at me like a piece of meat (lol) and imagine you were in love with me for that few seconds. I think about our wedding day, I imagine that you are in love with me all day on that day. It makes me smile. But I know better. So I keep searching . . . someday, I may end the search, and on that day you may ask if it was worth it . . . my answer may change, it may not. Cause when I think about how you took care of me, how you let me hold you, let me protect you, let me be in control of you when you can't release control, you did more that you will ever know. It was enough, more than enough. So yes, it was all worth it, it is all worth it, it will be all worth it.
Keep the hope. Hate me for giving you hope, I can live with that because when that hope materializes and you realize how good you feel, you will be happy, and I will smile.
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So, I have loved more than I have ever thought possible. She took a look at it, and would not accept it. Her own fears and doubt kept her from truly knowing my love. I told her, you have only tasted a part of what I am capable of. I never went all out totally because it was something she could never handle. I wonder if anyone could handle my all my love, with all my heart.
I smile today because of two people. One random person who I have just started to know. The second, my significant other friend. So I realized that I am not afraid of her anymore. I am in control. She can only hurt me if I give her my permission. Well, I give her my permission. It's what I do.
The second, a little lovegoddess was questioning her love. I said, "You should never question the way you love, it is you. The way you love fits you, therefore, there is NOTHING wrong with it. When you find the man who ACCEPTS the way you love, then you will know what true love is." Perhaps I should take my own advice.
Time for another confession and this one will set my soul free.
Last night really was a long night. It was one that I will never forget. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was awake the whole time. I couldn't stop crying. I just laid there thinking about what a wonderful person she was. How no one should be have to live with their mistakes for the entirety of their life. It's what forgiveness is all about. I imagine her standing all alone, holding her arms, tears going down her bruised face. She is cold, it gets cold in Oregon. She grabs her arms and looks down off a bridge. She watches the water go . . . she is all alone. Solitude. She feels like no one is around, no one can help her. She has to do it by herself. Then I imagine that she looks up, sees the moon and a few stars and she smiles. However brief, she smiles knowing that I was thinking of her. But it wasn't enough, not enough to keep her alive.
For the 5th time in the last 15 years, I felt alone. The other 4 were menial, just a little bit of time, just a little bit of feeling scared of being with out you. Last night, I realized, I am alone. You know the best thing you started doing for me before we dated?? It was, when I needed you, I could come to you, or you would come to me, without hesitation. Through everything that Marsha did to me, you were there. Now, you can't be, or wont be. I am not mad, "it is what it is." I know why I felt like I couldn't do this . . . why I always said it wouldn't happen - us being friends. It's because you wouldn't treat me the same. You talk about how you never gave me what I deserved. Sometimes, it's not about what someone deserves, it's about what they need. I hope you think about that.
I laid in my bed and cried. I laid in my bed and finally understood the pain of being alone, that she must have felt. How it could over come some one. She never stood a chance . . . did she?? I will always move on, I was meant to be who I am. Funny thing about being the better person . . . it really doesn't make you fill up with love. It makes you want to give it all away. It makes you alone. It makes you safe for other people. When you are safe for other people, you hope that one day, they will be there for you when you most need it. Someone to help you . . . but then you realize, they need you more. They will depend on you more and you will take that, in hopes that it will make you stronger. Life is not fair, but the strong need to protect the weak. We will see. . .
Some people say that a clean break is what is needed to heal, or to be able to process what is happening in a separation/divorce. I whole heartedly disagree. Our situation is very different from most, but a clean break would have left so many things unanswered from the both of us. And if we had the clean break, she would not have been able to call me on my bull crap.
So we have come to call one another SO (significant other). By definition, it really does fit. To many only see that this would label a husband and wife. It has meaning for anyone - A person whose close relationship with an individual affects that individual's behavior and attitudes. A significant other is usually a family member, spouse, child, employer, coworker, friend, or lover, who serves as a role model or whose acceptance and approval is sought.
So, that is who we are. So there have been more and more truths that seem to come out with us. Mostly, truths that probably have always been there and now my eyes are different than they were before. We have talked more than ever lately. We have discussed so much and argued so little. I have stopped pulling punches since we are friends now. I was always afraid I would hurt her feelings, and now as her friend, I worry more about her state of mind. So I have learned to give it to her straight. And because I have, I have noticed she doesn't see well at all.
I have always known she couldn't see beyond what ever stood in her way. She couldn't see that silver lining - that is what I was there for. Now, I get angry about the little things she can't see. But now I don't believe it is as easy as she can't see. She is now making the choice to not see the love our home has for her. That is something I cannot handle. It is no longer a matter of not wanting to see, but a matter of choosing to not believe in us; not just me, but her own kids. She has her excuses, and that is all they are, excuses.
She will do what her fear will drive her to. That fear will destroy her and who ever she puts in her path. The more and more I realize her truths, the more I feel for her. I don't feel anymore than her SO, never her true love, but lately, I feel she is getting further and further away from me. Actually, it's just the opposite, I am the one getting further and further away from her.
I have no regrets, and I have no guilt. I have started to put her into a part of my soul that I have never been in. A part that no one has ever been a part of. I have a tough time describing where this in me. This is uncharted territory to me. She is scared that she will not matter to me anymore. As I travel further and further from her heart, she has come to matter more and more each day. Together we have realized how much we actually do mean to one another lives. So why do I feel like I am distancing myself the more I know about her.
While typing this, I think i finally know why. Although she is opening up to me more and more, she is going to run. Like she said, "you are the most important thing in my life, and you will always come first. It is not fair."
She is putting me further and further away . . . but at my end. She is crafty like that.
What a mess, what to do. I guess we all hope, that I am every bit the man she makes me out to be. She likes to test me, this will be the test of all tests. Will I have it in me, to be the one. To be the man.
"Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power ba
She is full of fear . . . I am full of love . . . so I will be a thousand times stronger.
So, with all the strain of my recent separation from my wife/best friend, one more thing on the fire. I live my life trying to better every one, or at least let them see they can make good choices and have whatever future they so choose. About two years ago there was a young lady who I noticed had some issues in class. She came in after school one day and asked for help, she was really lost. She had not been doing well, so I decided to help her. After a while, she started doing really well. There was only one problem, she was a sheep. She lived in a group home with a bunch of other girls. She was a sheep, she followed. The funny thing, if she had someone good, she followed them just as much as she would follow someone who was not so good for her. She was a true lost sheep. She had all kinds of issues and one day I decided to talk to her about what she was doing. Through our talk, she decided she wanted change. There was a week towards the end of the school year where I didn't see her in class. I was worried, but then I got a note from the councilors . . . she had moved to Oregon to be with family. I was happy for her, yet worried. That day after school, she happened to come into my room. "I thought you moved?" I said to her. She replied, "I did, or I am, I just had to say good bye to you. I just wanted to say thank you." She started to cry a bit, but was so happy. She looked at me and said, "what, no words of wisdom?" I had always made it habit to tell all my kids little words of wisdom that I really meant for them to take to heart. I looked at her and said, "You have a great opportunity to do what we talked about, clean start. Make the most of it, but most of all - do not forget, DO NOT put yourself in a position that could hurt you. Stay away, don't take the chance. " I smiled and hugged her and she left.
Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. I was asked to meet with the councilors and administration. In the room, you could tell something was wrong. They all looked at me with sad faces. I figured it had to do with my separation, I was wrong. They asked me to sit down, and gave me a big heavy envelope. Apparently, that little girl was raped and beaten . . . real bad. She then committed suicide a week later. The envelope was a letter she had written me. Little ol me. I was in shock, and I decided not to open it. I just walked out and went about my day.
The next day, I decided to open the envelope. I poured out the contents. A 4 page letter, a diploma, and a picture of the school had fallen out. I opened the leather case to see the diploma. She had graduated on time. It was a big deal considering she was over a year behind. But she had graduated on time. I read the letter and I cried. The letter has messed with me so much that I do not know how to deal with this. She thought of me as a father, so she says. I didn't do much for her, but my ex says, "you cared." Apparently, she was sad because she disappointed me. she disappointed me because she says she put herself into a bad situation. One that she she felt was bad, but went anyways. She blamed herself for what happened - WTF!! WHY?? The rest of the letter was here and there (not going to get into it very personal). What the hell happened?
I went home for the day and bawled my head off. WTH?! Why me, what could she ever see in me that made her feel like she needed to write me a letter talking about her killing herself. This has messed with my head so bad. I feel like if I just would have called her, or took the time to find out where she was so I could write a letter. I could have done something to prevent this. I lose sleep thinking about what I could have done different. At one point, I almost asked my wife (at the time) if we could foster this kid. I should have. WE SHOULD HAVE!!
But now she is dead. And I don't know why. Her aunt and uncle want to meet with me. I don't know what I would say. But I know I have to go and meet them. This will be one of the hardest things I will ever do. And I have to do it alone. I would ask my best friend, but she will be unavailable. I can't ask anyone, I will deal with like any other thing . . . except this will mess with me more than anything else. I am lost right now and full of . . . hell, I don't even know.
Why did she pick me?
So many people wonder why I am still friends with my ex wife. There were many things that she has done that I could have just walked away from her for the rest of my life. So many things that I could hate her for. So many things that would have made it easy for me to say "adios" forever. And I only know, how hard she tried to make sure that I would hate her, detest her, and walk out of her life forever. But I chose not to.
When my first wife left me, it was because she wasn't ready to be a mother, for us to be parents as she says. I hated her for it. I was filled with so much hate, anger, frustration, animosity towards her that I let it run my life. I let it consume me for four years. I had a pit inside of that was evil. I had so much pain and I refused to let it go. I lived day to day with all of that pent up inside of me. That is, until the day I realized what I had right in front of me.
Fast forward to today. I lived that time with all of that anger inside of me. I refuse to let that happen again. I have four beautiful children that need me everyday. They also need their mother, everyday. Who am I do keep them from that?? I am no body. I cannot live my life full of a black pit which will cause me to act egregiously towards the best friend I have ever known. I just can't hate her. I can't treat her poorly . . . and she knew. I don't know how, but she knew I wouldn't walk away. I don't know how, because everything I have ever showed her was about how I would hate her. How vindictive I was. How this would ruin us forever. But it didn't.
I stepped up, I chose to be the better person. I hate that term. It is a term she always uses to describe me. "You are always the better person." I hate it because I have never felt like I was a better person than her. We all make choices, and we all live with those choices.
I have chosen to be her best friend. Actually, we are in a quandary about what to call us. We are more than best friends . . . way more, but how do you define what our relationship is then?? I have chosen to walk her through leaving me for someone else. She tore my heart out, stepped on it, spat on it, then picked it, faked to blow some dirt off it and hand it back, oops, my bad. Yes, that is who she is, but she has never claimed to be someone else. I have always known who she is.
Right now, she struggles because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, but she needs me the same. I am here for her and I will always be here for her. She loves me so much, and I love her more than she will ever know, but it will be okay because I refuse to let hate over power me. I will not burn my own soul because of another person.
I am left with little to carry on . . . my heart and soul have been damaged beyond repair. She will never know that because I refuse to let her know. I will hold her when she needs it. I will call when she doesn't. I will always have an open door for her, so that she will know that there is someone in this world who still cares for her, no matter what she does.
I accept her for who she is, and love her unconditionally. That is why I refuse to live with hate over powering me. Because the feeling of this hurt is nothing compared to the feeling of hate.
So last night was one of the hardest I have had to deal with, yet it gave me so much closure on a different level. So my ex and me are friends. Not just friends, not just best friends, and we have no idea what to call ourselves. That will be another day and conversation. We have been together for so long, we don't know what to do with one another. And this all started Friday with lunch.
So Friday, we had lunch. We were talking, and she had brought up an issue with us. She hates my existence. When she first told me this about a week earlier, I asked her why?? She said it was because I am there for her, because right now I should hate her, detest her, be mad at her. I told her, I refuse to. I will not live my life like that. She hates that I am her crutch, and she knows it. She knows, I will always be there for her-no matter what. So at lunch, I can see that she is on the verge of tears. "What is wrong?" She answers, "You. I don't hate you, it is just the opposite, I can't live with out you. You will always be there-ALWAYS. It's not fair." For the first time, I realized, I was the cause of her pain. I was doing more harm than good. Maybe I always knew I would by being who I am and not hating her.
Fast forward to last night. I went to talk to her. In the beginning, when we decided to be friends, she did everything I asked. I kept changing it to something I thought she wouldn't do. Why? It would make her walk away, or it would be easier for me to walk away. She saw it, she asked. And we talked.
I told her in the beginning, "Do Not Trust Me." I know who I am. I know what I am made of. You don't want to trust that. Her response was simple, "Silly boy, too late." So last night we had a tiff that turned into a bunch of truths. Then the elephant was let out, we both knew it. She looked me in eyes, and with tears running down her face said, "I can't live without you. You know why I hate your existence? You will always come first [in my life]. It's not fair. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to him, it's not fair to anyone I may see in the future." I knew it. I have always known. And that is why I had to tell her, "that's why I have been doing what I have been doing. I can be your friend. I can handle what it brings, you cannot. Do you know what it is like to know that I will be a constant hurt to you? I cannot stand by and watch as I cause you unhappiness. You will never be happy with me around. It is why, I have to walk away from you. You wont let me, so I had to keep making these stupid ultimatums because I didn't think I was strong enough to walk away on my own."
I sat down and I cried. She laid on my chest, held me, and cried. I told her, "I won't hurt you anymore. I will not let myself ruin your life." She responded, "It's not you, if I let you. I let you be first in my life. I am the one who cannot do with out you! You are the most stable thing in my life!! You always have been. You love me unconditionally, no matter what I do, and you always see the good in me, no matter what I do. You are there, no matter what, you know when I need you . . . and your there, on my doorstep. I can't live without you." "And I can't watch you be unhappy. I can't be the reason you self destruct." She sits up, looks me in the eyes again, "self destruct? If you walk out of my life, taking the most stable thing in my life, taking what I love more than anything, you will see all kinds of shit whirl wind of self destructing behavior from all sides and colors that no one has ever seen before!! If you walk out of my life, NO ONE will be able to keep me from self destructing!! You do that everyday. The good you do for me, out weighs any bad you may cause EVER!"
As she leans in on me, she cries. I whisper, "I am not giving up on you, I am giving you up. There is a difference." She whimpers and grips me ever so tight, "No, I won't let you go." We sit there for hours as she cries herself to sleep in my arms. I sit there, hold her tight, afraid . . . what do I do when all I want if for her to be happy . . .
So that people may understand what we are about, I want to start with this next letter she gave me. We are best friends and will always be Best Friends-so we think. We both have our issues. The split was really bad, she cheated on me and told me as she left, she never was in love with me. I was just safe. Hard as it may be, she wanted to keep our friendship. She proved to me that she needed our friendship and because of who I am, we are still that close. So here she writes a letter to who ever she thinks my next love will be . . .
"Hi there. Batshit crazy ex-wife, still best friend here...nice to meet you. Please don't waste your time being jealous of me or upset by our relationship, because 1) I'm not going anywhere, and 2) it's so not anything to be jealous of. :-) I love him, he's my BEST friend, and I'm here for him always but that's IT.
If you made it far enough to get the "lecture" from me, then honey, you are in for the ride of your life. I hope you're smarter than I was, and hold on like your life depends on it, because it probably does...and he is more than worth it. You have the worlds biggest heart in your hands...hold it gently, but firmly.
First thing you need to know, and accept is this: He's a better person than you will ever be. He's a better person than ANYONE. But he doesn't see it and wouldn't believe it even if he did. But don't let that intimidate you, because even though he is an egomanic, he's actually quite modest about it. :-D
He will spend his every waking moment thinking of you, how to make you happy, how to make you smile, how to make you believe. He will find ways to show you beauty in everything if you just open your eyes.
He will accept you with open arms and give of himself unconditionally while asking nothing in return. But that doesn't mean he doesn't NEED something in return. He's just a big old pile of mushy teddy bear on the inside. Hold him, cuddle with him. Let him hold you...he's a sucker for that shit. Tell him how much you care, every day. SHOW him...hide notes in shit, put stickies on his car, send corny e-mail, anything.
Look him in the eye. Hell, take the time to lose yourself in his eyes.
Smile for him. Laugh for him. But, make sure they are real, because girl...he can see right through fake. Gaia knows he's had enough practice.
Most importantly...be honest. COMPLETELY honest, no matter how uncomfortable or scary. And be honest NOW, not later. And demand the same from him, because he will conveniently forget. If you haven't seen it yet, just wait until he's scared to say or admit something to you and he will just shake...and then it ends up being something silly anyway...he's cute like that.
Don't let him push himself too hard. You'll know when you see it. He'll work too much, exercise too hard, stress himself out over shit that isn't there. Make him talk to you, let him know you're there, you aren't afraid, you aren't leaving. He's going to need a lot of reassurances, in words and actions.
Be patient while he's working on a car. Actually, just avoid him for the entire time he does it and about 15 minutes afterwards. :-)
He really can just "get over it". It's annoying as fuck, but once he decides he's over it, he really is. He isn't saying it to avoid an argument or anything like that...he just internally processed it and is done.
Walk on a beach with him.
Dance in the rain with him.
Sit and talk under the stars, A LOT.
Make love to him in the snow.
Fall sleep in his arms as the sun comes up.
Kiss him goodbye every morning.
Appreciate him for exactly what and who he is."
I write this blog to get things out of me. I was in love with a woman for 12 years who never loved me back. We have been together for 15 years. We spent so many times together and happiness that she acknowledges, but she couldn't love me like that. Our marriage ended when I found out she was cheating on me. I kicked her out, and kept all 4 kids. Why?? Because I asked her to not take the kids from me. She promised she wouldn't. Through all that we have been through, we have always been best friends. We say that we are soul mates, just not how most people think of them. We will be forever intertwined with each other. We cannot escape that. And we both know some truths that will shock many, dismay more, but in the end, we are as true to each other as we can be. Therein, lies the problem.
My mood: pretty complacent
Previous PostsHow we are different . . ., posted November 9th, 2012
So life goes on . . . Then gets complicated . . ., posted November 5th, 2012
It wasn't supposed to happen like this . . ., posted November 5th, 2012
You hate me because I gave you hope . . ., posted November 1st, 2012
You need it one more time, take it how you want to, posted October 26th, 2012
There is always balance in life, there is always evil where there is good, posted October 25th, 2012
Cutting, pain, even when Life gets good, my soul demands it of my body . . ., posted October 18th, 2012
The end of Chapter - 15 years with her., posted October 3rd, 2012, 2 comments
Nearing the end of this chapter . . ., posted October 1st, 2012
Always worth it . . ., posted September 30th, 2012
Why is this messing with my head so much??!!, posted September 30th, 2012
Fear no more . . ., posted September 28th, 2012
The long night . . ., posted September 28th, 2012
I am getting further and further away, posted September 26th, 2012, 2 comments
Why did she have to, posted September 26th, 2012
I refuse to live with hate over powering me . . ., posted September 25th, 2012
What to do when you are the cause . . ., posted September 23rd, 2012
It is what it is . . ., posted September 18th, 2012
I don't know how or why anymore, but I know who I am . . ., posted September 18th, 2012
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